Are we getting resilience all wrong?

I’ve noticed that the word ‘resilience’ has become a bit misunderstood in recent years. 

To some people, especially those in marginalised communities, it has become a way of victim blaming.

They are told, “the real issue here is that you are not resilient enough.” 🙃

Instead of their leaders addressing the ways in which they are maintaining toxic, discriminative, exploitative systems. 

That’s some reeealll bullsh*t. 💩

To other people, ‘resilience’ has just come to mean ‘gritting my teeth and pushing through no matter how hard it gets’. 🥴

And when they start to burn out, collapse, feel depleted, they tell themselves, “the real issue here is that you are not resilient enough.”

Any of this sound familiar? 🙋‍♀️

The thing is, I don’t think most of us are actually using the word ‘resilience’ right.

When I shared this with a brilliant friend of mine, she said “I think maybe people are getting ‘resilience’ confused with ‘perseverance’.”

👏 Spot. 👏 On. 👏 

Perseverance is the persistence in doing something despite difficulty.

Notice, there is no mention of what impact this has on us.

And that is the incredibly important nuance here.

What ‘resilience’ ACTUALLY means is the ability to bounce back after going through (or to be flexible during) hard times. 🏀

Scientifically speaking, it is “the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape”. 🌷

Psychologically speaking, it is “the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life challenges or experiences.” (American Psychological Association). 🧠🤸‍♂️

And just generally speaking, it is “the ability to be happy, successful etc. again after something difficult or bad has happened.” (Cambridge Dictionary) 🥹

So, when I am resilient, it doesn’t mean I force myself to keep going no matter how hard things get and no matter how much it hurts me. 

And it doesn’t mean I never find things hard or go through dark or difficult moments.

(Because let me tell you, I bloody do!)

It means I can do hard things without it costing or harming me long term.

When I talk about building resilience, I am talking about finding ways to meet challenges differently, not with more grit or determination. 🧘

To become more flexible. To adapt more easily. To have tools to recover from the hard times. To have ways back out of doom spirals. To protect your nervous system and mental health from the hardships of life. 

Reach out if you want help building genuine resilience, not having to keep persevering and perpetually getting trapped in cycles of burnout.